Hot off the presses of Jalandhar Online:

Cellphone ‘voyeur’ gets sound thrashing
Deepkamal Kaur
Tribune News Service

Jalandhar, September 6
Cellphone voyeurism disrupted the schedule of district-level kho-kho matches that were being held at Government Girls’ Senior Secondary School, Ladowali Road, here on Thursday.

According to sources, three boys, who had come to the venue as viewers, were caught red-handed trying to click pictures of girl players changing into their sports attire in a toilet near the ground.

While two of the managed to flee, the third one was dragged outside the venue and given a sound thrashing. The accused, said to have come from Malsian, were reportedly members of a kabaddi team, which had come to the city to play matches. The boys had come to girls’ school ‘for fun’.

Terming the incident as shameful and against the sportsman spirit, members of a girls team revealed, “The incident took place when some of the players had gone to change into shorts.”

Furious over the incident, the women teachers demanded better security and said such episodes should not be taken lightly. “It’s a grave threat to the dignity of girl players,” they added.

Harvinder, assistant convener of the event, said the event would conclude tomorrow. “We will take extra care to regulate the entry of outsiders,” added the convener.

As many as 25 teams, including that of boys and girls are part in the kho-kho tournament being held for under-14, under-17 and under-19 players.

Those Indian boys are such perverts! Hopefully the two that got away can send me some photos.

I’ve always had a thing for satin panties. When I was a kid, I got dumped off at this ugly girl’s house so that she could babysit me. She made me do two chores which I detested then and still do to this day: 1) walk the dog, 2) fold laundry. I remember a couple of times I would come across a pair of her panties in the laundry basket and it would give me a huge thrill. She had this one pair of silver satin panties that absolutely mesmerized me. Maybe that’s why I have a satin fetish. Anyway, the porn matrix below is a like a where’s waldo - find the satin panties and you win the price (a hot babe).

Like many guys, I am addicted to crack.  Don’t lock me up or send me to rehab, it’s not the drug I’m talking about - it’s the body part.

I have gone in the backdoor before, and it was okay.  A bit of a letdown, but I’m not a complainer.  It’s not anal action that makes my head turn and my jimmy jump, it’s the buttcrack itself.

Anal is not like oral.  Get hooked up with the right chick, and when she wraps her lips around your dong, the world will cease to exist.  A girl with the right talents can take all of your expectations, all of your fantasies, everything you hoped for from a blowjob and exceed them by a factor of ten.  But anal, meh.  Doesn’t matter what you’re promised, it’s going to involve lots of lube, a nearly total lack of detailed sensation, and no “oooh, do it harder you stud” comments (unless you happen to be paying for it).  Nice to daydream about, but anal sex is almost always a letdown.

That’s why The Tease is so important.  The anticipation of a little dirty-girl anal action will get almost anybody revved up.  I’m obviously a breast man, but I still can’t ignore a chick with a nice ass.  I was at work the other day walking behind an ugly Sweedish chick, and all I could think of was “wow, she has a nice ass.”  Stick me in a bar with a limited selection of females and walk some chick by me with her thong peeking out and some nice curves down below, and I could care less about her buck teeth and the mole on her forehead.  Do I want to get up in her bunghole?  Sure, I guess.  Do I want to play with her ass?  Now you’re talking!  Do I want to squeeze her ass, hump up on it a little, slide my finger down her crack until I reach her stinky nexus and she goes “OH!”?  Yes! 

Allow me to present two hypothetical situations:
1) You are in bed with two babes. One of them is giving you a half-and-half, the other is dancing around stripper-style with her ass in your face, bending over and winking her browneye at you, fingering her butt, ocasionally getting your nose deep into her crack just for good measure.
2) You are (again) in bed with two chicks. You are buried deep in of the butts, and the other girl is giving your nutsack a good tongue lashing.
I can assure you I’d rather have #1 any day of the week.

What’s my point you ask?  Let me get to my point:  I am horny, I am thinking about pretty little panties jammed up curvy female buttcracks and I wanted to write about it.  Also: next time you have the chance, hump your woman’s crack.  Tell her not to worry, you aren’t going to penetrate the poopychute (she will breathe a big sigh of relief).  Just lay her on her stomach, spit a lugie on that delicious divit where the top of her ass splits into the beginnings of her crack, and start thrusting.  When you spray a big patch onto her lower back, and she squeals with delight, you will understand what I’m talking about. 

By the way, if she doesn’t squeal with delight, make sure that next time you you do it you let her watch that Oprah special where she’s interviewing Matthew Mcconaughey.

We do have our fans. Here’s an email from RUNNER:

Well the landlady and I had our best fornication yet. I didntt see her much this week but yesterday was a blast. I think somebody said a little alcohol might help me out with lasting longer (can you say ED?) and I gotta tip my hat. I mean I’ve had sex drunk before but this woman is a trip.

Anyway yesterday I went to happy hour with a couple buddies and I got back to the house around 7 a tiny bit drunk on 4-5 beers. She was in the kitchen when I walked in and we started talking about nothing. I gotta say she looked pretty good. I hope I’m not getting an older woman fetish or something but she had these short shorts on and damn. OK maybe it was beer goggles but I really wasn’t that drunk and she actually does have a killer body for being 39 years old.

Oh, and if anyone cares I’m getting more of her story too. It turns out she got married when she was 19 and got divorced just in July. I was wondering about that because it doesn?t seem like she dates. I asked her if she does and she said she’s not there yet. So I figure I’m a rent-a-dick or something until she gets back on her feet. Not that I have a problem with that or anything.

Anyway so we?re in the kitchen and she’s finishing putting the dishes away. We talked for a minute and then I went into my room to check email. A couple minutes later she comes to the door and asks me what I’m doing. I say nothing, and she gives me this sexy look and starts just taking down the buttons on her shirt. I’m telling you this woman has a flare for the dramatic. Of course I was all for it but right away I started thinking, shit, I haven’t jerked off in like 2 days. Yeah I know I’m probably letting this whole thing about lasting longer get in my head too much but if you read my other emails you know that’s a big thing for her. Every time after we have sex she says it was good but then she reminds me she wants me to last longer cause she’s vaginally orgasmic and it takes awhile for her to get to the good ones. And last time I was in her like 10 mins. which I didn’t think was half bad. But anyway I’ve been kinda focusing on ways to last longer because I’ve got a seriously sweet deal here and I don’t want her to start looking for another guy for sex.

So she’s unbuttoning her shirt and then she starts walking over to me. I stood up and we kissed a little before she takes my hand and we go to her bedroom. Pretty soon we’re getting into it hot and heavy. I kissed her all over and fingered her a bit, and then she started going down on me. I love watching a girl suck my dick but I stopped her after a minute because I wanted to save myself for later. At that point I was leaning back against the pillow and she climbed on me, putting her tits in my face. I started kissing and licking her boobs and neck, and after a couple minutes she gets a condom from the drawer and starts putting it on me. All the time she was giving me this little smile that just gets my blood pumping.

I was already sitting up so she got on top and started lowering herself onto my cock. I was stoked because the other times we had sex she didntt want to be on top. She kept saying she likes feeling my butt while I thrust so we’ve been doing a lot of missionary. So I was glad she was getting on top this time because I can last longer that way. Plus I get her boobs in my face. And they are some great natural boobs!

She rode me for a couple minutes and she definitely made that interesting because she was moving her hips side to side and doing a lot of pretty hard grinding on my dick. I was in her pretty deep which felt good and she seemed to like it, especially when I started holding her butt and pulling her towards me while I kissed her nipples. She doesn’t always talk a lot when we fuck but sometimes she gets on these rants where she’s telling me how good it feels and stuff like that. One thing she likes to say a lot is I can feel you in my stomach. That gets me going and I love hearing her say that cuz I always like when a girl is a talker in bed. Anyway, she rode me for a few minutes and then she gets off me and kind of falls back onto her back with her legs open. I got on top and did her in missionary for awhile.

I’ve been surfing the net the last couple days reading about some thrusting patterns that help you last longer. One of them was this thing from the Kama Sutra where you give her 9 quick shallow ones and then 1 slow deep one, and then keep doing it. I tried it and she loved it, plus all the shallow thrusting made it a lot easier for me to last. I could do that pattern for awhile no problem. I was doing a lot of grinding too and the only time I really thrust hard is when she said she was close to cumming. Then I turned it up a notch and went at her fast till she got over the top, and then I’d go back to grinding. Seriously my favorite part is watching her when she cums. I mean, I think it’s pretty hot how she gets really into grabbing my butt and everything but when she cums it’s beautiful. I can feel her walls clamp down on my cock and then she just goes off the fucking deep end. She does this thing where she kinda bends her back, lifts her neck up and reaches her head and arms to the side and starts hyperventilating or something. I watch her face all out of sorts and her tits flopping and it seriously makes me feel like some kinda stud. I think I said this before but I’ve never been with a girl before who could get off just from sex. I don’t know but I think that’s pretty unusual. I really like it though because I get to watch her. With my ex-gf she only got off by me eating her out which was fine and all but when she was cumming I had a nice view of, well, ya know.

So this was definitely the best sex yet with this woman. And at least for one time the whole lasting longer issue was not a problem. I know it musta been the alcohol because this time I swear I lasted something like 20 mins. inside her. No kidding. I was stoked, booze or not. The other times we had sex she said afterward that she wants me to last longer, but this time she got off a few times and afterward she said it was phenomenal. That’s the word she said. So I think this time was a success. And obviously I feel good about lasting longer this time but I don’t think I want to go drinking every time we have sex. So that’s not a longterm answer. I’ll see how it goes but I’m gonna have to keep trying different stuff to try and last without the booze. I’ve been doing that masturbation training thing and looking up different thrusting patterns so we’ll see how that goes. Anyway I’m telling you this woman is a great lay. I’ll keep you posted.

I think there is a debate going on inside me.  Do I want to look at young perky ones tonight or older droopier ones?  Along with the more mature boobies come bumpy, gnarly, big nipples.  And sometimes ladies who like to leave scratches on your back and ringing in your ear from loud orgasmic shouts.  Uh, but the younger perky chicks usually have a tight

I’m just going to give you the headline, cause it’s enough to make anybody chuckle:

Jail shower reveals adult booked in rape case identified as wrong gender…

Hey, trust me, you don’t want to move to Wisconsin unless your nuts have shriveled up and fallen off and you no longer have any sexual urges.  Otherwise, you may end up having sex with a dead deer… news story:

SUPERIOR, Wis. - A 20-year-old man received probation after he was convicted of having sexual contact with a dead deer. The sentence also requires Bryan James Hathaway to be evaluated as a sex offender and treated at the Institute for Psychological and Sexual Health in Duluth, Minn. He was found guilty in April 2005 of felony mistreatment of an animal after he killed a horse with the intention of having sex with it. He was sentenced to 18 months in jail and two years of extended supervision on that charge as well as six years of probation for taking and driving a vehicle without the owner’s consent.

Sex in the news… Book on Women’s Sex Hookups Draws Fire.

 True, she regrets that “dating has gone completely by the boards,” replaced by group outings that lead to casual encounters. True, she regrets that oral sex “isn’t even considered sex anymore.” But she isn’t saying girls should not have sex; just that they should have it in the context of a meaningful connection: “I am saying that girls should have choices.”

Nothing is better than the female orgasm.  Uh, other than *my* orgasm I mean.

Discovering the O Factor

Sex Education Program Breaks Down Communication Barriers About the Female Orgasm

Women in Columbia may never have trouble reaching orgasm again - at least not if the more than 600 women and men in the audience share the things they learned at “The Female Orgasm,” a sex education program at MU on Thursday night.

That’s one class I wouldn’t mind attending.

This news story suggests that women may be aroused by the smell of male sweat.  Which means my theory that some women are attracted to the smell of my farts is not so far-fetched after all.  I had a girlfriend one time and all of her friends called her by her nickname - fartsniffer.  Anyway.  All of this is not terribly surprising to me.  I am aroused by the smell of a girl’s bunghole.  Obviously, I am not as perverted as I previously thought.  Excertp:

A chemical in male sweat can boost mood, brain activity and sexual arousal in heterosexual women, according to a new study released just in time for Valentine’s Day….

I did not realize that paralyzed women can have orgasms.  I think it is important to learn something new every day.  Especially when it comes to women’s vaginas.  One time I got drunk in a bar with a gynecologist, and swore that he had to squeeze his eyes shut and fantasize about oral in order to get off while having sex with his wife.  The moral of the story is, don’t learn too much about vaginas, and if you do, you might as well be an OB/GYN and get paid well for the pain it causes you.

This guy wrote an enormous article about the debate of whether women prefer big dicks or little dicks.  This immediately makes me suspect a) he has a little dick, b) he is a latent homosexual or he wouldn’t be claiming to be so knowledgeable about what women want and need.  Excerpt:

A small dick is okay, women say, but not by itself. The majority of the female’s sexually excitable nerve endings are in the outer inch of her vagina, around the opening, so even a two-inch dick can get her off if used right. No matter what the size of your member, you’ve got to know how to use it, and how to complement it with other moves from your hands, mouth, body, and vocals, and words, if it happens to be less than massive, or even less than average.

Let’s let today be nipple pinching day here on RegularPervert.com.

As a guy, I hate to have my nipples pinched.  Ladies:  stay off my Fing nipples.  Don’t bite them, don’t pinch them, don’t suck on them, just pretend like they aren’t even there, okay?  Maybe some guys like having their nipples tweaked, but they are probably latent homosexuals.  Okay, I won’t go that far, let’s just say I don’t like it and if other queer-bait butt-pirates guys do, that’s fine.

There’s this girl on myspace called IMSexkitten.  She says she’s 34 and married and has a kid, but we all need to be careful about believing everything we hear on the internet.  She apparently likes to blog about sex stuff.  Which is a good match, because I am a hornball and like reading about sex stuff.  She wrote this post about nipple pinching, and I quote:

I’m standing in front of the bathroom vanity getting ready for work. I see your reflection in the Mirror, you are standing there watching me. I meet your gaze in the mirror ” good morning lover” I say and smile at you “Good morning to you” you reply as you step up behind me and wrap your arms around my waist pulling me back against you, burying your face in my hair, then nuzzling my neck sending chills up my spine. Your hands untie my robe and let it fall open as your hands cup my breast; your thumb and finger pinching and teasing my nipples until they are hard erect peaks. Your mouth is nibbling and kissing my neck, the combination making me weak in the knees, I lean back into you I can feel your rock hard c*** as it presses into my back side. That wanting you ache starting to build between my legs and I can feel myself getting wet there as one of your hands trails down over my stomach to cup my p**** and presses me even harder against you. Your fingers delve between my lips there dipping into the wetness then searching for my clit. I gasp as you make contact with it and start teasing it sending little shocks of pleasure through my body. Your mouth on my neck, your hand caressing my breast and the other between my legs. All these sensations are making it hard to stand.  “Come on baby” you whisper in my ear ” go with it and cum for me baby you know what I want” and your fingers pick up the pace on my clit and you nip my neck with your teeth”OMG!” I say through clenched teeth as I cum against your hand letting the waves of pleasure wash over my body. and letting you hold me there. I love that you know my body so well. “Now you know what I want” you say as you pick me up and carry me to the bed and lay me down, climbing on with me Your lips and mouth are hot against my skin and a moan escapes me as your mouth covers my nipple and you suck and nibble on one then the other. Then kissing all the way down until you reach my p**** kneeling between my legs and pushing them further apart where you have a clear view, you then slowly lick all the juice you find there, then start working on my clit again, this time with teeth and tongue, driving me back up again but stopping just before I cum again, You’re poised over me, looking in my eyes, you plunge into me. It feels so wonderful to have you fill me up so completely that way. I move my hips with yours to meet each plunge you take as my fingers dig into your arms I can feel your body tense then shudder as you explode into me, your mouth covering mine in a crushing kiss as the waves of delight cover us both. Then you collapse on top of me, we lay like that a moment catching our breath, then you roll over and get up, holding out your hand to me you ask ” Can I interest you in a shower”  “only if you scrub my back” I smile and answer. Looks like we are both going to be late for work today.

Hey SexKitten, reading your blog entry some wood in my life today.

Damn, I would be helpless to stop myself from groping this cheerleader’s naked ass…

story

Deep, dark bungholes spread wide for your entry.  Are they a little furry, a little more pubic hair than what you prefer.  Never fear, just ignore.  The extra fur will trap the lube and help you glide in for a long ecstatic hump.  It helps that she is a redhead, a rare ass-virgin for your plundering.  Ahoy, Matee!

Please excuse my perverted thoughts. I need to get laid.

I was at an assembly plant yesterday.  There were a bunch of assembly workers up on the assembly line, and I was standing back watching them work like busy little bees.There was this one african american girl who was very pretty. 

She was very petite, but had kind of a big butt and a very nice rack.  She was wearing a sweatshirt and some  stirrup pants.  Now in case you don’t remember, stirrup pants are these thin cotton pants that went out of style in the 90’s (or maybe 80’s?).  They were called stirrup pants because they had little stirrups that went around the woman’s foot and kept them from riding up.  They may’ve gone out of style, but I have nothing against stirrup pants because they are effing sexy.  They invariably give the woman a nice wedgie, and they are so thin, you can usually see a VPL (VPL is Visible Panty Line in pervert-speak).

This girl had a little bit of a wedgie, and it seemed to be bothering her since she kept reaching back and pulling her pants out of the crack of her ass every few minutes.  She also had a very VPL, can you say thong?  Now, I’m not 18 anymore, and I choke my chicken or actually get laid at least once a day to promote my reproductive health.  So it usually takes more than a black girl with a wedgie to give me an erection.  But as I stood there and watched her work, and thought about her getting dressed that morning, sliding that thong up her thighs, looking in the mirror to make sure her ass looked okay, running her fingers under the edge of the g-string to get it perfectly situated and aligned in her asscrack… boing, I got a hard-on.

This has been a Perverted Thoughts Moment with Bert the Pervert.