All I’m trying to say is… people are F’d up.

I am married to a woman I truly love, but our sex life has become a mes. We watched an cable TV show about women strapping on dildos and nailing their husbands. That inspired my wife to buy a strap-on dildo. Once would have been bearable, but for the last year she only wants me to orgasm by jerking while she does me with the strap-on. She literally rubs off while using the strap-on. She refuses to go to counseling and says I am being prude. Do you think she is warped?
-Sore Rectum in Chicago

I’m going to assume you are being serious, dude, and not jerking me around being a straight guy with fem-dom fantasy. Your wife has far-out sex control issues, and you being a serious wuss. Unless you’re handcuffed to the bed, your wife can’t be an ass pirate if you don’t let her. I get the impression you’ve been saying, “If you would please stop fucking my ass I would appreciate it.” When what you need to say is, “Your are nuts you ho.” The next time she jumps into the bedroom wearing her strap-on, get out of bed and walk out the door.